Along the way to lunch I picked up a local newspaper, the Red Pepper. It claimed it was the newspaper of the year. When my meal of boiled fish and rice arrived, I began reading with interest.
The main news story involved a plot against the current Prime Minister, but the headline that caught my attention read: Man Burns Bonkmate’s House.
At 10.45pm the previous evening, neighbours had noticed a strange man banging on the door of a woman called Eunice. These unnamed observers hypothesised that the man was one of Eunice’s many bonkmates. As the gentleman knocked away, he also demanded to be let in. When no one answered, he grew angry and then, as people watched, he set fire to Eunice’s thatched roof. The paper juicily wrote: Eunice, who was known for thigh vending in the area, had already sneaked to another sugar daddy.
Thanks to the café’s free Wi-Fi, I typed bonkmate into Google and quickly discovered it was a distinctly Ugandan term. And it did mean what I thought. And also thanks to Google, I read that a twenty-year-old male student was searching for a bonkmate to enjoy a one-night stand. He described his appearance as ‘not too short’ but later caught himself out by stating his height was 4’11”. He finished his message by making it clear he was not very fussy: I don’t care the way you look, just make sure you are not too fat.
The Red Pepper also contained some interesting advertisements. Manhood Enlargements, I learned, could be completed in three days. Or, if that didn’t sound like much fun, then an artificial penis could be delivered to your home in only one day. A lady called Senga Akugoba could solve the perennial problem of Lost Lovers in the quite-precise 42 hours, guaranteed, and could also arrange for Dry Women to get their fluids back in a mere thirty minutes. For the perplexing procedure known as Elongating of the Twin Towers, Senga promised it would take no longer that four days, and if anyone wanted their Men Weapons to be armed and primed, she could do it in less than a week. As well as this bewildering array of services, she also offered Customer Attraction, Get for you jobs and the intriguingly sounding Pre-Mature Ejaculation.
My short time in Kampala was nearly at an end. And despite the grime, the ugly birds, the snarling traffic jams and layers of smog, I had loved my short time in the Ugandan capital. Kampala might not be the Pearl of Africa as it sometimes calls itself, but it was certainly a nicely polished bit of rock. I returned to the hotel to pack for part two of the trip: Rwanda.
Extracted from Jason’s very excellent e-book, ‘Flashpacking Through Africa’. Buy it at Amazon (it’s very cheap!)